Wednesday, December 29, 2010
An Extended Remark - "Berlin, without return..."
It's 5 AM in Berlin, and I'm still staring at the empty Word Page. I should have been thinking about Governmentality and "Regulation of Islam in Berlin among Mosque Debates", but, instead, I took a journey in the past, in my last one year. I know, it's just another form of procrastination - getting emotional about the past and floating in nostalgia.
I cant help thinking about the things I have to manage in two weeks, and I'm getting angry with myself. I was supposed to be done already with my thesis and back home in Ankara. Berlin is somehow turned into an extended journey - that should be completed three months ago. I try to convince myself with a fatalistic idea that there may be still something waiting for me to experience in this city. I blame Hollywood for this as it imposes this way of interpreting the events that are nothing but just coincidence. In fact, I've learned to avoid anything that seems to me like 'fate' since I have never got a good results from those moments that made me say "oh, das nenne ich Schicksal!". It's even funnier though that as an atheist I call these coincidences 'fate' :o). Fate is bitchy (kahpe kader), so, it's better to shape my own 'destiny' and not to expect so much from Berlin.
In one of our conversations with a friend, we described Berlin as something more than a "one-night stand" but less than a "lover". She is like a "f-buddy" with whom one shouldn't get so emotional, and shouldn't make even immediate future plans. She is like such a woman from whom one should know not to expect having breakfast together and know the time to leave. My friend left Berlin three months ago, and I'm stuck in a hate-love relationship with this city.
It's just like yesterday that I came to this city. I just can't believe that I changed four apartments, met some 'lovers' (both new and old ones), wrote so many papers, attended so many concerts, and ate so much "curry wurst" :o). The things also have changed at home. One of my women is getting married, some people are getting divorced, some are moving out from Ankara, even from Turkey. I just can't believe the time that passed so fast. And now, it's my last week in this apartment, the last week to complete the theory and methodology chapter of my thesis, the last week with my fair flatmate, and the very last week of the year. I will be moved in another flat next week, and have another extended time for two more months - with the same city but without the same people I know in this city. I still want to stick with that fatalistic idea that there must be a reason for my staying here. Who knows, maybe there is a reason which I can like.
PS: The song is dedicated to a man, an 'old friend' from Dresden, with whom I recently met again.
* I discovered this song today via my flatmate, my gorgeous in Berlin.