some remarks

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Ankara, Turkey
I'm just a sociologist astonished by the marvelous sense of humor of the universe! So, why not be a bad hat?

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

An Extended Remark - "Berlin, without return..."


It's 5 AM in Berlin, and I'm still staring at the empty Word Page. I should have been thinking about Governmentality and "Regulation of Islam in Berlin among Mosque Debates", but, instead, I took a journey in the past, in my last one year. I know, it's just another form of procrastination - getting emotional about the past and floating in nostalgia.

*

I cant help thinking about the things I have to manage in two weeks, and I'm getting angry with myself. I was supposed to be done already with my thesis and back home in Ankara. Berlin is somehow turned into an extended journey - that should be completed three months ago. I try to convince myself with a fatalistic idea that there may be still something waiting for me to experience in this city. I blame Hollywood for this as it imposes this way of interpreting the events that are nothing but just coincidence. In fact, I've learned to avoid anything that seems to me like 'fate' since I have never got a good results from those moments that made me say "oh, das nenne ich Schicksal!". It's even funnier though that as an atheist I call these coincidences 'fate' :o). Fate is bitchy (kahpe kader), so, it's better to shape my own 'destiny' and not to expect so much from Berlin.

In one of our conversations with a friend, we described Berlin as something more than a "one-night stand" but less than a "lover". She is like a "f-buddy" with whom one shouldn't get so emotional, and shouldn't make even immediate future plans. She is like such a woman from whom one should know not to expect having breakfast together and know the time to leave. My friend left Berlin three months ago, and I'm stuck in a hate-love relationship with this city.

It's just like yesterday that I came to this city. I just can't believe that I changed four apartments, met some 'lovers' (both new and old ones), wrote so many papers, attended so many concerts, and ate so much "curry wurst" :o). The things also have changed at home. One of my women is getting married, some people are getting divorced, some are moving out from Ankara, even from Turkey. I just can't believe the time that passed so fast. And now, it's my last week in this apartment, the last week to complete the theory and methodology chapter of my thesis, the last week with my fair flatmate, and the very last week of the year. I will be moved in another flat next week, and have another extended time for two more months - with the same city but without the same people I know in this city. I still want to stick with that fatalistic idea that there must be a reason for my staying here. Who knows, maybe there is a reason which I can like. 

PS: The song is dedicated to a man, an 'old friend' from Dresden, with whom I recently met again.

* I discovered this song today via my flatmate, my gorgeous in Berlin.

2 comments:

  1. and I was worrying that my recent blog entry was too emotional and getting ready to delete it! well I guess it's 5 a.m. effect, right? though you have every fucking right to get emotional at the moment. maybe we should have come to terms with this shit by now...I mean the shitty fact that we are fucking emotional. I don't know, it's still like calling it fate rather than a bunch of coincidences.
    5 a.m. is hard on us alright but I guess it's also the cities and the way we are attached to them. You know you will always have Berlin, don't you? Just like you will always have Dresden...and Ankara, the city that brought us all together, we will always have it. Of course we still do fantasize about moving to Istanbul together, sooner or later anyway.
    Fucking nostalgia and beautiful songs dedicated to men...and fate? Come on, you know it's just life taking its course. Yet of course, I believe in cities...and don't you make me even more jealous of that bitch right there! :)

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  2. does it sound so emotional? I was mocking myself actually. I mean, I was mocking that emotionality coming out of me, all of a sudden, at 5 am in the morning :o) and I couldn't figure out what to do with it. I thought "bu ne şimdi? n'apcam ben bunla?", and wrote it down here.
    it's only because I do panic due to all the stuffs I need to manage in a very short time. The hardcore 'rational' woman with cold heart(!) has not died yet. She's just tired and need to have some sleep properly, I guess. see, she's talking about herself as a third person.
    and the "fate"... I'd rahter discuss about it in the frame of quantum physics, and of the mathematical coincidences of time and space relations. I mean, with any nerdy science-fictioned-explanations I like :P I don't wanna spoil my selective perception anymore. there is no need to make drama out of these coincidences. But I will use them for a book written sometime in the future, for sure. My imagination couldn't do a better job than this.
    And don't worry about the dedication of the song... I'm just messing with him :o)

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